Sometimes I feel like I’m lying to you all. I mean, I don’t, but there’s lots you don’t know, and that I don’t say, because it’s the internet and I’ve been stalked before and it’s made me … cautious. So, it’s lies of omission.
Things like; the cat is dying. He has been dying for a long time. Which makes you (me) have a false sense of security, and feel like he isn’t actually dying because if he’s lasted this long, maybe he can go on forever. But I know that he can’t, as I hear his breathing get more and more laboured every day. You really shouldn’t hear a cat’s sinuses/lungs make those gurgling/popping noises. But, so long as he’s happy.
I have undergone radical lifestyle changes and shifts in the last 2 years which never made it to the blog because I’m not convinced any of you actually want to read that I’ve been eating well and going to the gym. There are other blogs you can read if that’s the story you’re after. But there’ve also been doctors and a couple of operations in there too, and they have had repercussions, which are taking me a while to recover from. They took a lot more out of me than I guess I expected them to.
Sometimes when Himself and I go out into the Big Wide World on an Adventure I think to myself, I can’t wait to get home and tell the blog all about this! And I take photos specifically for that purpose! Then I get home, and I go through my photos, and I think to myself “Why on earth would anyone care what you did today?!?”
Or as I’m sorting through photos of the things that I love, or that I found inspiring and moving, that I want to show you, they suddenly all seem quite meaningless. Either that or I can’t think of a sentence to string them together to help illustrate why that picture means so much to me. I guess perhaps I over analyse. It often just feels like illiteracy.
Sometimes despite all of this, I feel like I share too much of myself online too. Sometimes it’s a tightrope walk. A finely tuned four way balancing act where I hang ever tottering between “tell them everything”, “no identifying information”, “why do you think anyone cares”, and “be entertaining!”
I have different families, and I love all of them. I believe most of them read the blog. I know a couple don’t. Some of them are very far away and I wish I could be closer to hold them and help them through tough times. Bring them comfort. I guess that in some ways this blog is my way of reaching out to them. At least, letting them know that I/we’re still here.
Some of them are very nearby. And I am grateful to them every single day.